#ShareMondays2020 – Hurting

#ShareMondays2020 – Hurting

My image this week was inspired by my husband’s thoughts on the layout of last Monday’s image. He said it really reminded him of an album cover by the band Tears For Fears. Perhaps you remember it? It’s called The Hurting. A true masterpiece of musical commentary on social issues. I was really struck by how relevant this album still is. Mad World could definitely be an anthem for current times.

As I did previously with song titles from the late, great David Bowie, I have taken the titles from this album and reworked them into a “new” poem. Words from the past, still powerful in the present. (original lyrics by Roland Orzabal and Curt Smith)

Hurting

Are we broken?
The children suffer
In this
Mad world.
Change.
Memories fade
Since the
Start of the breakdown.
I am
The prisoner.
Watch me bleed
In my pale shelter.
The conflict
In my mind,
Ideas as opiates
To keep away from
The idea of opiates.
I won’t become a
Wino even though
I’m hurting.
We are
The hurting.
We are broken
But it will
Change.

The title song, The Hurting, has resonated with me for many years. It was released in 1983, not long before I became the victim of serious bullying at school. It carried on for many years and has affected me throughout my life. The mental scars are worse than the physical.

Could you understand a child
When he cries in pain?
Could you give him all he needs
Or do you feel the same?

(Verse 2: Roland Orzabal and Curt Smith)

I was seriously ill with Crohn’s disease for a number of years before finally being diagnosed in 1995. Recurrent bouts of diarrhoea, weight loss, fatigue, onset of asthma, malnourishment and rectal bleeding. Every doctor had their own theory and most of them were really just accusations of wrongdoing on my part. Making it up to get out of school, drugs, misuse of laxatives leading to anorexia, more drug abuse accusations (you do art don’t you?), munchausen’s syndrome, hypochondria. Many of these are genuine health conditions suffered by people, they do actually need treating, but the then medical profession used these words and phrases as if this was some kind of criminal activity. Diagnosis for IBD has improved over the years, but I’m sorry to say that many young people are still being stigmatised, marginalised and misdiagnosed.

All along
You’ve been told you’re wrong
When you felt it right
And you’re left to fight
The hurting

(Pre-Chorus 2: Roland Orzabal and Curt Smith)

And here we are now, 2020. I’ve faced many hurts in the intervening years. Some people might be forgiven for thinking that the greatest of these would have been my abdominal surgeries. Actually, the two most painful things were losing my ability to paint and being unable to have my own children. I think most of us are hurting at the moment. Whether through isolation, fear, grief, anxiety, financial instability, separation, pressure, work stress, trauma or perhaps a combination of these. Now, perhaps more than at any other time in our lives, we need to acknowledge these feelings, be kind to ourselves and seek help if we need it – Every Mind Matters – Samaritans – Mind

Is it an horrific dream?
Am I sinking fast?
Could a person be so mean
As to laugh and laugh

On my own
Could you ease my load?
Could you see my pain?
Could you please explain
The hurting

(Verse 1: Roland Orzabal and Curt Smith)

ShareMondays2020 – The Shielded

ShareMondays2020 – The Shielded

So just who are The Shielded?

Well the media are rather misrepresenting us I think! We are the unseen 1.8million. We’re not all in care homes, aged over 70 or “people who would probably have died at some point this year”. If I hear, or read, one more report that claims that many of the Covid-19 related deaths don’t really count, because that person would have likely passed away soon anyway, I will scream! Every death is a person, an individual with loved ones. All the World War rhetoric inspired me to get hold of a vintage gas mask. DON’T wear one of these to protect yourself against Covid! It’s a representation of the suffocating mask I feel has been placed upon me. I can’t help but think of Wilfred Owen’s poem Dulce et Decorum Est! Please read it. I am stumbling and floundering.

Many people in The Shielded group are there because they have a lifelong illness that requires immunosuppression. This could be because of cancer, organ transplant or autoimmune disease. The aim of our treatment is to give us as long a life as possible! Many people in this group are young. Most people with Inflammatory Bowel Disease (IBD) – Crohn’s and Ulcerative Colitis – are diagnosed between the ages of 15 and 25. I was 19yrs old. My mother was told that it was 50/50 if I would actually make it through the night. I stay shielded so that she, and the rest of my loved ones, don’t have to hear that kind of news again, because I’ve contracted coronavirus!

While the majority of the population are now thinking about the easing of lockdown, The Shielded know that we’ve got a few more months of being shut away in our own homes, before we can even get that “one exercise outing per day”. Count your lucky stars people! We’re not superheroes, just ordinary people who would like to get on with our lives in the usual way too. Some people are waiting for operations, new therapies, hospital referrals or local treatments. Part of normal life for a lot of us. We’ve accepted that certain things have had to go on hold. You can help us get back to our normal by Staying Home, Protecting The NHS and Saving Lives. Who knows, you might even save mine!

ShareMondays2020 – Life In Lockdown

ShareMondays2020 – Life In Lockdown

I set myself another learning challenge this week which forced me to stick myself in front of lens! I wanted to learn how to create a displacement layer with text to overlay onto my face. I watched several video tutorials on YouTube, and pieced together elements from the different approaches, to find a method that worked for me. The text is from one of my own poems called Identity, a self-portrait in words if you like! I used an online tool to place the text into a word or tagcloud. There are several available. You can also add the text straight into Photoshop and arrange as you want.

Identity

Do you know me yet?
My name is whispered in
The gathering breeze,
Sung with elation by
The wild breaking seas.
It screams from the cliff tops
Into soft, shadowed lees
And is hushed by the warmth
Of tumbling leaves,
A gentle susurration
Twixt autumnal trees.

I have flown on the winds,
Delved fathomless oceans,
Fallen great heights,
Risen from depthless emotions.
Felt the warmth on my face
Of a sun kissed horizon.
I’m the song of the earth.
My roots run far, deep, and wide,
Bearing scars of life lived,
From your sight, I’ll not hide.

My height is unmeasured,
My depths undiscovered.
‘Tho my glow may be dimmed,
My soul still recovered.
I am born of this world,
A sweet force of nature,
A creature of magic,
Mother, lover, carer, creator.
Determined, desired,
Oft’ tired, yet inspired.
A wild thing, set free!
I ask you again,
Do you, yet, know me?

This video is a good starting point!

I decided to take a number of portraits while I was set up for it and try to convey some of the emotions that so many of us are feeling during lockdown. Not even being able to leave my flat, as a shielded individual, I’m feeling the pressure even more. The outdoors has always been my sanctuary, my coping strategy. Channelling my feelings into photography and poetry has been a good outlet for me. Learning is my main coping strategy now! I’ve always loved learning, but the good feelings and sense of achievement are more important to me now than ever before!

My homages to The Scream and Anxiety by Edvard Munch

I couldn’t resist a homage to Afghan Girl by Steve McCurry.

And then I decided to really try and let my inner turmoil and frustration show. I’m only human, of course it gets to me! And although my Crohn’s has had me housebound or stuck in hospital for weeks on end before, nothing can quite prepare you for something like this. Especially knowing that I am so vulnerable to complications if I was to contract the virus. It is frightening. It is desperate. We need to everything we can to keep minimising the spread of Covid-19, staying home, protecting the NHS and the incredible front line staff and all key workers. Together we CAN save lives.

Lost In The Light

Lost In The Light

Just little ol’ me, lost in the lights at Wembley Park, getting a quick selfie to send you all Seasons Greetings!

Every Day Is Different: Day 1

Every Day Is Different: Day 1

It’s Crohn’s & Colitis awareness week and this year we’re all trying to highlight that every day with chronic illness is different. I thought that I would share my life with Crohn’s alongside something that is beautifully different! Today it’s a chrysanthemum, a favourite flower of mine to gaze upon, photograph and create artwork with.

 

Today I woke up feeling awful from a night of sweats, cramps and night mares. That’s usual for me though! I also woke up with another day of horrible earache. I take medication that reduces my immune system in order to treat the Crohn’s, which is an auto-immune disease. This means that I get a lot of infections but I refuse to let it deter me from getting out and about.

This is the state I was in with my fatigue!

I set an alarm for 8.29am so I could try, for the second day in a row, to get an emergency appointment at the doctors. Yesterday was an epic fail as I slept through my alarm and by the time I contacted the doctors there were no appointments left! I tried and tried to get through today and all I got for about seven minutes or more was the busy tone. Then I fell asleep with the phone still in my hand and no appointment! That happens a lot to me as I have such bad fatigue and my nights are anything but restful.

My care assistant came to help me get up, washed, medicated and dressed at 11am and by the time we had finished and I finally got through to the doctors – no appointments! I tried pleading, telling the receptionist that I’m immune compromised and explaining my difficulties in the morning (I have lost count of the number of times I have had to repeat this conversation). She just kept telling me that I had to phone at 8.30am and everyone else was in the same boat as me. I asked her to check with my GP and she said that she’d already asked her administration manager and there was nothing they could do. I broke down in tears. An infection can get really out of control with me if I don’t get treatment quickly. I felt so stupid, it’s just earache after all! But it really hurts 😦

My hubby, Simon, called me on his lunch break (he always does, lovely man) and was utterly dismayed that I still couldn’t get an appointment. Bless him, he got straight onto the phone to the doctors and had a discussion with the receptionists about what the NHS says about their duty of care for patients who need to be seen (strong words but a calm head!). He discovered that only 13 emergency appointment had actually been available today! That’s not healthcare, it’s a lottery based on whose phone connects first. Anyway, to cut the story down just a bit, suddenly they CAN fit me in but it’s a one-off special favour?!?

I was seen by one of the doctors that I really like at 5pm who confirmed that I do have quite an infection, possibly inner and outer ear from how red and inflamed they were. So finally I have the antibiotics I need, a soothing ear spray and the relief that I will feel better soon. My hubby, my hero, thank you so much for backing me up and always being here for me!

Different Is Beautiful Too!

One Four Challenge: February Week 4

One Four Challenge: February Week 4

Here’s my last edit for February’s One Four Challenge, hosted by Robyn Gosby at Captivate Me. I’m not going to give you a run down of the processes this week as it would be just a bit too much! I’ve used a combination of all the processes used in my first three edits and added the butterflies and flowers using the polygonal lasso tool in PS. My inspiration this week was drawn from a pen and ink design I created many years ago, using a self-portrait to create a playing card Queen of Hearts. My design had been based up a pen and ink drawing that my father had created, during his own college days, of a fairytale style playing card! I hope you’ve all enjoyed my tributes to past works and different mediums as much as I have. I’m still deciding on my image for March but it has been suggested to me that I tackle a landscape. What do you think?

If you would like to pick a favourite (it’s not obligatory!) please use this poll and/or leave me some feedback and suggestions for future One Four Challenges in the comments 🙂

One Four Challenge: February Week 3

One Four Challenge: February Week 3

February is flying by and we’re already onto the third week of this month’s One Four Challenge, hosted by Robyn Gosby at Captivate Me. Some of you may have guessed by now that I’m attempting to recapture the feel and look of Fine Art processes that I have used in the past. This month’s edit is inspired by the very short experience I had of print making during my A level studies. I really loved it! I made a series of self portraits using lino, block and screen printing techniques. I’ve tried to capture the essence of those techniques in this pop-art style image.

Photoshop CC
Clean up base
Select Figure with Polygonal Lasso
Refine Edge
Layer Via Copy
Add grey background
Invert Difference Blending (Save Portrait 1)
Invert Divide Blending (Save Portrait 2)
Invert Normal
Copy Figure Layer
Multiply Blending
Invert Screen Blending (Save Portrait 3)

Create New 3×2 Ratio White Background
Copy and Paste in all 3 Portraits
Arrange with right hand figure as 1st Layer
Use Polygonal Tool to select and remove white overlapping areas
Use Soft Low opacity Eraser to blend images

Greater Than Gatsby
Soft Pearl Matte 20%
Reduce Noise
Your New Aesthetic 25%
Brilliant Dance 20%
Vinyl Revival 30%
Painterly Soft 20%
Flatten Image

Lightroom
Use masking brush to reduce clarity and and sharpness to areas of skin while increasing clarity to hair and facial features

Colour Efex Pro
Tonal Contrast Fine
Classical Soft Focus and Diffuse selectively
Colourise Soft Pink
Ink
Pro Contrast
Glamour Glow Cool

One Four Challenge: February Week 2

One Four Challenge: February Week 2

For the second week of February’s One Four Challenge, hosted by Robyn Gosby at Captivate Me, I wanted to create an effect that resembles charcoal and watercolour. I really enjoyed using that mix of mediums when doing life studies, often on textured pastel paper. It was a fast and free technique that gave a lovely flow to lines and created extra depth to shadowed areas. Rubbing in some chalk to the still wet paper would bring out the highlights and complete the sketch.

Photoshop CC
Cleanup Background
Solarise
Invert with Difference Blending
Increase Brightness and Contrast
Reduce Noise 100%
Make 3 new Copy Layers
Copy Layer 1 apply Poster Edges
Darker Colour Blending 50%
Copy Layer 2 apply Dry Brush
Normal Blending 55%
Copy Layer 3 apply Diffuse Glow
Normal Blending 30%
Add B&W Texture Layer
Create Layer Mask
Soft Black Brush Low Opacity gradually remove texture from figure
Merge Visible
GTG – Painterly Soft with Multiply Blending 50%
Adjust Levels
Use Soft White Low Opacity Brush to enhance highlights and lift unwanted shadow
Increase Brightness
Decrease Contrast
Add Warming Photo Filter
Use Blur and Smudge tools to accentuate “brush” strokes

One Four Challenge: February Week 1

One Four Challenge: February Week 1

It’s time for February’s One Four Challenge, hosted by Robyn Gosby at Captivate Me. A new month, an old image with a brand new look. The original photographs were taken in early 2007 on a Fuji Bridge camera. I think it was a 5mp camera, which really goes to show how fast technology is moving! I took a lot of images in the camera’s own B&W mode at that time as it had been what I was most used to in film photography. The portraits were originally taken as part of a photomontage project for the National Portrait Gallery’s annual photographic competition. I haven’t had any of my images included in the exhibition but I really enjoy the process of creating images for the competition, it’s a great motivator 🙂 I’ll include my 2007 entry within my gallery and, as ever, I would love your feedback and criticism on my processes!

Photoshop CC
Clean up base image and remove shadows
Invert with Linear Light Blending
Merge Down
Invert with Screen Blending
Merge Down
Invert with Difference Blending 50%
Merge Down
Soft Edge Glow Action 50%
Soft Posterise
Save Snapshot
Rippled Oil Texture 40%
Merge Visible
Add Snapshot with Lighten Blending
Public Domain Texture Overlay
Difference Blending
Masking Layer – use soft, low opacity brush to remove texture
2nd Texture Overlay
Overlay Blending 60%
Use soft white brush to paint over dark edges on portrait
Flatten Image
Add White Canvas Border

Travel Theme: Broken

Travel Theme: Broken

Well that’ll be me then! This post comes as a way of explaining my late responses to you all for comments on my posts over the last week or so. Both my immune and nervous systems are well and truly broken resulting in Crohn’s and Fibromyalgia. My consultants and I do everything we can to stabilise my conditions and I have a lot of support, especially from my wonderful Simon, to enable me to have as full a life as I can. I think you all know that I get a lot of joy and happiness out of life and I make the very best of the good days. This might be wordy so I’ll break it up with some pretty pictures! They were taken on my phone in the beautiful and quirky Igloo Flowers shop in an old Victorian Arch  in the underpass that leads from Guy’s Hospital to London Bridge Underground station. I’d like to dedicate these flowers to all my fellow bloggers with chronic and life limiting illnesses like mine. You know who you are!

Sometimes things can go rather wrong for me. They certainly did last week! My teeth are in a bad way because of the Crohn’s and I’m seeing dentists at Guy’s Hospital in London now. On Tuesday one of my molars had to be removed as it’s been badly broken for a long time and I’ve been getting persistent infections. We still don’t know exactly what went so wrong but it’s suspected that the very large amount of local anaesthetic that I was given, alongside the severity of the infection, sparked off a really bad Fibromyalgia attack.

It hit me full on, without any warning, while mum and I were on the train heading home. I know I scared mum and I probably freaked out the other passengers too! It’s probably a bit like watching someone having a fit. Uncontrollable shakes, extreme sweating, complete weakness and horrific pain everywhere. To my shame and horror I had to be lifted off the train at my home station, by paramedics, before being rushed into my second hospital of the day. I do apologise to passengers on the 16:55 from Waterloo last Tuesday for having delayed the train! I just hope nobody missed any connections at Woking.

It was close to midnight before I was allowed home with Simon. The following day I still felt like I’d been in a car crash and my local GP prescribed some extra antibiotics as I still had a very high temperature. I so wish that that was the end of the sorry tale but by Friday my face was complete agony! My local dentist confirmed that the infection had spread through my upper and lower jaw and added in a third antibiotic, called Metronidazole, and codeine to take between doses of tramadol. Yes, shake me, I rattle!

I’m still in a lot of pain but I’m finally on the mend from at least this particular episode! The hospital will probably have to put me out before removing any more broken teeth. I’m not going through all that again I can tell you! My main image above is actually a self-portrait that I did in St Marks Hospital (a specialist bowel centre) the night before my fourth major abdominal surgery, three and a half years ago. I wasn’t sure if I’d ever share it but it certainly fits this week’s theme. The main thing is that I accept that I’m a bit broken, vulnerable and I do need a lot of help, but I’m certainly not useless.

I found a lot of strength in accepting my vulnerability. There’s no point in recriminations, regrets, guilt or anger. Life’s far too short for that and there’s so much to enjoy when you can. The help I get from my loved ones, friends and care workers enables me to do so much more than I’d be able to otherwise. I like to celebrate all the things I love in life through my photography and poetry, that you all enjoy what I do is a real confirmation that what I am able to do matters, that I matter.